You Have Two Cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow. With a pedigree.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk and sells it back to you. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

CHINESE COMMUNISM: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and conscripts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a stellar love life and build a large herd. You sell the movie rights to Hollywood then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM, HONG KONG STYLE: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. You then execute a debt-equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow, man!

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

UNITED NATIONSISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking the cows. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill out 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cow.

BUREAUCRACY, EUROPEAN UNION STYLE: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk, and leave to form their own society.

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

LIBERTARIAN: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

VISUAL ARTIST: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display cases in Berkeley.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are crazy. You sell them in Europe.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ISRAELI CORPORATION: You have two cows. Your Palestinian neighbor has two bulls. The Israeli Freedom Cows and the Palestinian Liberation Bulls shoot RPGs at each other.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you meet a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production. You use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send audio tapes of their mooing to Al Jazeera.

LITHUANIAN CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks that she's French, other times that she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two sheep. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two sheep. The one on the left is rather sexy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have two cows: one black cow and one brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out of state tell you which cow you think is the best-looking.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

SURREALISM: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Good health to you and your cows,

Flitter